Detention Diaries

I used to get the kids.

I used to feel that magical teacher-student connection where you could read the room, laugh at the jokes, understand the references, and genuinely feel like you were part of their world.

Now?
I’m pretty sure they live in some kind of alternate TikTok dimension that runs on likes, filters, and audio bites about how to survive a zombie pandemic involving a pineapple pizza.

Meanwhile, I’m sat there thinking:

“Back in my day, reality had a face… and we called it the weather.”

At what point did the young people I teach become fluent in 18 different social platforms but completely mute in anything resembling eye contact?

At what point did their idea of “deep connection” become:

“Why did you steal my pen? I logged it as a trauma.”

Is it me?
Am I just getting old and grumpy like Victor Meldrew?
Honest question.
The fact I know who Victor Meldrew is probably says everything about how uncool I am. (And I proudly embrace that.)

But sometimes I watch my classes and think:

Are they actually living in real life…
or is this just a very immersive social media simulation?

They’ll reply to an AI-generated meme instantly.
They’ll tap their screen with surgical precision…
But mention something actual — like “the weather”, “your emotions”, or “why you haven’t done your homework” — and suddenly they’ve got a buffering icon above their head.

It’s like they were born with a Snapchat filter permanently attached.

I’ll ask a question, and they don’t look at me — they look past me, as if my words are a background app they haven’t closed properly.

And the worst part?

They don’t even apologise.

When I was a kid, ignoring someone involved actual effort.
You had to look away.
Pretend you didn’t hear.
Engage in subterfuge.

Now?
It’s just mute mode.
The ultimate passive-aggressive war tactic.

So am I just old?
Am I Victor Meldrew in a cardigan, grumbling about “kids these days”?

Maybe.

But also, maybe the kids are living in a warped digital alternate reality where:

• The world makes sense only through a smartphone screen
• Eye contact is optional
• And attention spans have the lifespan of a fruit fly

Either way — it’s a culture clash.

One day someone will ask me what TikTok even is, and I’ll tell them:

“Back in my day, we had TIC TACs — and they were minty fresh.”

And that, my friends, is when you know you’re officially uncool.