• The SALT That Isn’t Salty: A Modern SEND Tragedy

    This week I had the absolute pleasure (read: emotional exhaustion wrapped in admin) of attending my daughter’s EHCP meeting.
    As any parent of a SEND child knows, these meetings are more stressful than OFSTED, job interviews, or trying to teach Year 9 last period on a windy Friday.

    Enter the SALT team — “Speech and Language Therapy.”
    Except, in our area, there’s very little therapy and quite a lot of “we’ve decided to discharge her because we don’t know what else to do.”

    You know… exactly what you want to hear about your autistic child.


    The Great Disappearing Act

    The SALT team — whose job title literally contains the word therapist — have offered, and I quote, zero therapy.
    Not reduced therapy, not interim therapy, but zero.
    The same amount of therapy you get from a traffic cone.

    Their grand conclusion?

    “She presents as PDA, so there’s nothing we can do. She has met her targets. We want to reduce provision.”

    Reduce. Provision.

    For a child who isn’t meeting her targets — she’s simply not letting them in the door.

    Imagine a fire alarm inspector coming to your house, not being allowed inside because the dog barks at him, and declaring:

    “Well, everything seems fine. No fires here. I’m signing you off.”

    That’s the level of logic we’re working with.


    If She Was Meeting Targets… Isn’t That the Point?

    Let’s pretend for a moment that she was meeting every target.
    Gold stars everywhere.
    Progress chart looking like an impressive stock market climb.

    Wouldn’t that be because — oh, I don’t know — the provision was working?

    If a child is thriving because of support, the correct response is not:

    “Fantastic! Let’s remove it.”

    That’s like taking antibiotics for a chest infection, feeling better, and the GP saying:

    “You seem fine now. We’ll stop medication immediately and permanently. Try not to breathe too deeply.”


    SEND Reform: The Great Disappearing Provision Scheme

    With all this talk about SEND reform and “reviewing EHCP thresholds,” it doesn’t take a genius to see what’s happening.
    We’re slowly, quietly drifting towards:

    Cutting funding by cutting support.

    And who’s first on the chopping block?
    The most vulnerable cohort in the country — disabled children and young people.

    Cost-saving by targeting those with the least ability to fight back.
    It’s brutal. It’s predictable.
    And it’s depressingly in line with the direction this country is going.


    The Loudest Parents Win — And That’s Not Equality

    Here’s the ugly truth:
    The parents who shout the loudest get the EHCPs.
    That’s not a system — that’s a competition.

    Getting an EHCP is like running a marathon made out of paperwork, acronyms, and thinly veiled hostility.
    Maintaining an EHCP?
    That’s the Ultra Marathon.
    Barefoot. In the rain.
    With Ofsted running behind you shouting about “impact.”

    But there aren’t enough of us.
    We’re a loud bunch — but not a big one.

    And many parents of SEND children don’t even know help exists, let alone how to navigate the labyrinth of referrals, panels, tribunals, and reports.

    That’s the terrifying bit:
    So many children are unsupported because their parents don’t know where to start, or they’re overwhelmed, or they’ve been fobbed off so many times they’ve given up.


    A Society Splitting Down the Middle

    The gap between the “haves” and the “have-nots” is widening — and fast.
    And SEND families are watching that chasm grow from the wrong side.

    It’s starting to feel like a class-driven, quietly autocratic system where:

    • Those with knowledge and stamina fight
    • Those without fall through the cracks
    • And those who should be supporting them claim they’re meeting targets they’ve never meaningfully assessed

    We’re not building a society.
    We’re building a hierarchy.
    One where the quietest, smallest, and most vulnerable voices are being drowned out by budgets, bureaucracy, and the desperate need to “save money.”


    Final Thought

    So when the SALT team cheerfully suggests my daughter should be discharged — not because she is thriving, but because they don’t know how to reach her — it’s hard not to feel like the whole SEND system is being gently and quietly dismantled.

    And the people who are supposed to help us are walking out with clipboards saying,
    “We’ve done all we can.”

    When they haven’t even begun.

  • Attendance: The Great Vanishing Act

    Every Monday morning in briefing, it happens.
    Our deputy stands at the front, coffee in hand, PowerPoint glowing, and says the same thing:

    “Attendance is a whole-school target. We need to drive attendance. We all need to push attendance to bring up the numbers.”

    Cue the staffroom nodding. The silent agreement that yes, attendance is indeed a problem. And also, yes, we have absolutely no idea what we’re supposed to do about it.


    Where Did Everyone Go?

    Attendance in schools has fallen off a cliff since the pandemic.
    Before COVID, the odd sick day or family trip was just that — an exception.
    Now, it feels like half the country is off on “a well-being day.”

    The truth is, the entire attitude towards school has changed.
    Parents are increasingly prioritising their child’s mental health — or, more often, their child’s opinion — over attendance.

    “Yeah, he didn’t feel like coming in today.”
    “She was a bit tired, so we had a duvet day.”
    “He wanted to stay home with the dog.”

    And while it’s easy to roll our eyes, part of this is cultural.
    Since the rise of remote work, children have watched their parents spend entire days in pyjamas, occasionally wandering to the fridge between Teams calls.
    So why wouldn’t they think school could work the same way?

    To them, staying home is no longer rebellion — it’s role modelling.


    The National Crisis Nobody Knows How to Fix

    Let’s call it what it is: a national crisis.
    Children are missing more school than ever before, and no one really has an answer.

    The government’s “plan” seems to be:

    “The plan is… we need a new plan.”

    It’s an ouroboros of policy — a snake eating its own tail while muttering “we need a multi-agency response.”

    And schools? We’re left to fix it.
    We’re now expected to get kids out of bed, into uniform, and through the front gates — which is quite the task when neither they nor their parents see the point.

    Without literally driving to their house, dragging them out of bed, and buckling them into the back seat like a hostage in a hi-vis jacket (which, to be clear, is frowned upon in the safeguarding policy), there isn’t much we can do.


    “But What Are You Doing About Attendance?”

    That’s the question, isn’t it?
    It’s the one every school leader dreads during an inspection.

    “So, what are you doing about attendance?”

    What are we doing about attendance?
    Well, we’ve got a spreadsheet.
    A very shiny spreadsheet.

    It’s got colour coding, conditional formatting, and a graph that goes in the wrong direction.
    We show it to the kids every week, like it’s a motivational tool.

    “Tommy, your attendance is at 78%. That’s not great.”

    Meanwhile, Tommy’s thinking:
    “My Fortnite level’s gone up three tiers since last week. That’s progression.”

    For him, attendance is just another game score — one he has absolutely no interest in improving.
    And if you think that conversation motivates him, you’re sorely mistaken.


    The Impossible Plan

    There’s no plan.
    Not a real one, anyway.

    Because this problem sits outside the walls of the classroom.
    It’s social. It’s cultural. It’s generational.
    And yet somehow, it’s still being measured in performance management targets.

    We can’t fix attendance by guilt-tripping teachers into pep talks.
    We can’t “drive attendance” by shouting “drive attendance.”
    And we definitely can’t solve a societal issue with an Excel file and a half-eaten box of Celebrations in the attendance office.

    The truth is simple: teachers can inspire, support, and encourage — but we can’t teleport students out of bed.

    Until the system recognises that attendance is a national issue, not a school issue, we’re going to keep being blamed for something we can’t control.


    Final Thoughts

    So maybe, instead of punishing schools for the country’s new “optional attendance culture,” we try something different.
    Support parents. Fund proper interventions. Create environments where school feels relevant again.

    Because right now, we’re just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic — except the Titanic is half-empty, the orchestra’s on strike, and Ofsted’s asking for your evidence log.

    And until something changes, I’ll keep smiling politely in Monday briefing, nodding at the words “whole school target,” and quietly wondering whether next week I should just bring a tow rope and a megaphone.

    Just to, you know, drive attendance.

  • New Podcast: 🗣️ Talking About Talking: Why Speech & Language Needs More Than Lip Service

    If you spend any amount of time in a school, you’ll hear phrases like “We’re a reading school,” “Reading is at the heart of everything we do,” and “Don’t forget to Drop Everything And Read.”

    Lovely stuff.
    Very wholesome.
    Children surrounded by books like tiny, chaotic librarians.

    But here’s something we don’t talk about nearly enough:
    How on earth are children supposed to read, infer, decode, comprehend, or even guess what a fronted adverbial is… when they’re struggling to communicate in the first place?

    Speech and language needs are one of the biggest, fastest-growing challenges in education — but you’d barely know it from how schools are resourced.
    Reading gets posters, assemblies, badges, giant cardboard book characters, and possibly a parade.
    Speech and language gets… well… usually a single overbooked specialist and a box of slightly frayed picture cards from 2007.


    👧 A Personal Note: When Talking Doesn’t Come Easy

    My own daughter was a late talker.

    Not just “fashionably late.”
    Not even “oh she’ll get there in her own time, love.”

    No — properly late. The kind of late where you start Googling until your phone gently asks if you’re alright.

    And in our case, her delayed speech was one of the first signs that something was different.
    It eventually led to her autism diagnosis — and a whole new understanding of how much communication shapes a child’s world:

    • how they learn
    • how they play
    • how they make sense of other humans (an impossible task at the best of times)
    • and how they see themselves

    So when I had the chance to speak with Jane Harris, CEO of Speech and Language UK, for my Make it Make SENDs podcast… I grabbed it.


    🎙️ The Conversation We Need to Have

    Jane is at the forefront of the national conversation about speech and language needs — and also at the forefront of reminding us that we’re not actually having the conversation loudly enough.

    In the episode, we talk about:

    • why so many children are struggling with communication
    • why early identification is life-changing
    • how schools can support pupils even without a dedicated specialist
    • what’s wrong (and what’s hopeful) about current SEND reforms
    • why listening properly might be the most powerful intervention of all

    She brings research, humanity, humour and — crucially — solutions.
    Not just more paperwork (we’ve got more than enough of that, thank you).

    ▶️ Listen to the Episode

    Make it Make SENDs #6: From SEND Crisis to System Reform: Lorraine Petersen OBE on What Must Change Detention Diaries

    Keywordseducation, SEND, inclusion, teacher burnout, mental health, school leadership, education reform, SEND crisis, education crisis, teacher wellbeing, child mental health, safeguarding, policy, school improvement, inclusive practiceSummaryIn this episode of Make it Make SENDs, I sit down with Lorraine Petersen OBE — former CEO of nasen, headteacher, and one of the most respected voices in SEND and inclusive education.We explore the current state of education and ask the big question: are we facing a SEND crisis… or an education system that isn’t built to support everyone?Lorraine shares her journey through education, offering deep insight into the pressures schools are facing today — from rising SEND demand and stretched resources to teacher burnout and the growing mental health needs of both staff and students.This conversation goes beyond the headlines, unpacking what’s really happening in schools right now, and more importantly, what needs to change. Lorraine speaks with clarity and honesty about how we can build a system that is more inclusive, humane, and sustainable — for both young people and the adults supporting them.If you’re a teacher, leader, SENDCO or parent trying to navigate the complexity of modern education, this episode will leave you thinking differently about what’s possible.Key Takeaways “We don’t just have a SEND crisis — we have a system that isn’t designed for everyone.”  “You cannot separate inclusion from the wellbeing of teachers.”  “If we want better outcomes for children, we must first support the adults in the system.” Support the ShowEnjoyed the episode? Then it’s time to join the class.👉 Head to http://www.detentiondiaries.com to read the blog, sign up for the newsletter, and join our online staffroom community.Because education doesn’t end at the classroom door — and neither does the conversation.Support the showEnjoyed the episode? Then it’s time to join the class. 👉 Head to http://www.detentiondiaries.com to read the blog, sign up for the newsletter, and join our online staffroom community.Because education doesn’t end at the classroom door — and neither does the conversation.
    1. Make it Make SENDs #6: From SEND Crisis to System Reform: Lorraine Petersen OBE on What Must Change
    2. Detention Diaries #6 Alun Ebeneezer – Creating a Culture of Discipline in Schools
    3. Make it Make SENDs #5 : Music and Inclusivity – is it even possible? with Kate Campbell-Green
    4. Detention Diaries #5 – Redefining Masculinity: What does it really mean to be a man?
    5. Detention Diaries #4 What Teachers Really Need: Ross McGill on Workload, Wellbeing & the Future of Schools

    😂 And Now For Something Mildly Ridiculous

    Because this is Detention Diaries, I’ll leave you with something very British and very true:

    If schools treated speech and language support the way they treat reading, we’d have:

    • a “Talkathon Week”
    • assemblies where teachers dramatically pronounce syllables
    • posters saying “Talking Takes You Places!”
    • and a dedicated display board titled “Our Oracy Champions” featuring a photo of that one kid who never stops chatting and has far too much confidence for a Monday morning.

    Honestly, I’m not saying it would fix everything.
    But I’m also not not saying that.


    Thanks for reading — and a massive thank-you to Jane Harris for joining me on the podcast and for the vital work she continues to do for children, families and schools.

    If you haven’t already, come join the community at www.detentiondiaries.com, and follow the chaos on Instagram, X, and YouTube.

    Because sometimes, the most important conversations start long before the reading book even

  • The Great Staffroom Study – Staff Morale vs Biscuit Consumption

    Department of Educational Survival Studies
    By: A Tired Teacher, PhD (Partially Half-Dead)


    Abstract

    This week, our long-term observational study into teacher behaviour during the Christmas term has yielded critical new data.

    Findings indicate a direct correlation between (a) how far we are into the term, and (b) the speed, size, and frequency of family multipack biscuit appearances in the staffroom — along with an alarming increase in mince pie consumption per capita.

    In layman’s terms: the closer we get to the end of term, the more we’re all eating like Victorian orphans at a bake sale.


    Introduction

    The Christmas term (or “the long one,” as it’s affectionately known by those who’ve lost the will to live) is a fascinating period in teacher evolution.
    It’s marked by extreme fatigue, emotional instability, and the inability to remember which mock paper you’ve already marked.

    Staff behaviour begins to shift around mid-November. Early warning signs include:

    • Subtle murmurs of “Just need to make it to Christmas.”
    • Coffee intake reaching medically concerning levels.
    • The first sighting of a Mr Kipling variety pack in the staffroom.

    By December, this progresses to full-blown carbohydrate carnage.


    Methodology

    Over a three-week observational period, a group of researchers (also known as “teachers with no frees”) tracked the appearance and disappearance of family-sized biscuit packs and mince pies across five staffrooms in the North West.

    Data was collected using a simple metric known as the Snack-to-Sanity Ratio (SSR) — calculated by dividing the number of biscuits consumed by the number of remaining weeks until Christmas.

    To maintain accuracy, all observations were conducted covertly, usually while pretending to laminate something.


    Findings

    1. Week 1 (Early November)
      • The first “just in case” packet of chocolate digestives appears.
      • Staff exercise restraint. Someone says, “Let’s save these for Friday.”
      • Half are gone by lunch.
    2. Week 4 (Mid-November)
      • Custard creams, bourbons, and the occasional KitKat multipack now in circulation.
      • Energy levels dropping.
      • “Friday Treats” have become “Tuesday Sanity Snacks.”
      • Nobody knows who bought them. Nobody cares.
    3. Week 6 (Late November)
      • The first mince pies arrive. A hush falls across the staffroom.
      • Teachers cluster around them like pigeons at Greggs.
      • One is eaten cold, another microwaved, and a brief argument breaks out about which is correct.
      • The mince pies are gone within nine minutes.
    4. Week 7 (December)
      • Multiple tins of Roses and Quality Street appear overnight.
      • They vanish before break time.
      • Someone is seen scraping the last purple wrapper from the bottom of the tin.
      • It’s 10:43 a.m.

    Correlation Between Sadness and Mince Pies

    Data strongly supports the hypothesis that the sadder the teacher, the more mince pies they consume.

    One participant (pseudonym: “Year 11 Form Tutor”) consumed six pies in a single day after accidentally attending three separate Christmas concert rehearsals.

    Another participant (pseudonym: “Head of Department Who’s Lost Their Room to Exams Again”) was observed quietly eating a mince pie in the corridor while muttering “quality first teaching.”

    Peak consumption occurred immediately after mock exam data entry.


    Discussion

    The research suggests a clear behavioural pattern:
    As teacher morale drops, sugar intake rises exponentially.

    It’s not hunger — it’s survival instinct.
    It’s not gluttony — it’s professional development.

    The mince pie, once a symbol of festive cheer, has become a coping mechanism — a small, foil-wrapped antidepressant filled with raisins and regret.

    It’s now widely accepted among teaching professionals that eating four mince pies between P4 and P5 is “self-care.”


    Conclusion

    The study concludes that there is an unbreakable link between the proximity to Christmas and the velocity of biscuit disappearance.

    By the final week of term, time itself begins to warp. A family pack of chocolate Hobnobs left at 8:30 a.m. is but crumbs by 8:37.
    Mince pies don’t even hit the table — they’re gone before the foil cools.

    At this stage, the average teacher is 72% caffeine, 18% pastry, and 10% unresolved trauma from the carol concert.

    The final recommendation from this research?
    Don’t fight it.
    Stock up, sit down, and remember: if you’re halfway through a box of Mr Kipling’s and questioning your life choices, you’re not alone.
    You’re just in Week 7.

    Leave a comment

  • The Great Curriculum Cake: How Much More Can We Eat?

    So, the new curriculum reform guidance has finally been published this week — and, to be fair, there’s a lot to like.
    There’s talk of citizenship education, AI literacy, even understanding mortgages (which, frankly, would’ve been handy before I recently signed up for one).

    Finally, it feels like someone in the Department for Education has realised that maybe — just maybe — children need to understand the world they’re actually living in, not just what a fronted adverbial is.

    But as always, there’s a catch.

    Because while we’re talking about adding more wonderful things to the curriculum, there’s been absolutely no talk about taking anything out.

    And the curriculum is already so full it’s practically bursting at the seams.


    Bruce Bogtrotter and the National Curriculum

    If you’ve ever watched Matilda, you’ll remember Bruce Bogtrotter — the poor lad forced by Miss Trunchbull to eat an entire chocolate cake the size of a car tyre in front of the whole school.

    That, in a nutshell, is our curriculum.

    Students are handed an ever-growing mountain of content, told to eat every last bite, and then made to sit around 30 exams in three or four weeks.
    They struggle. They stress. They soldier on.
    And somehow — with a bit of teamwork and a lot of resilience — they pull through.

    And then, just when they think it’s over… Miss Trunchbull smashes the plate over their head.

    Pretty similar to real life after school, isn’t it?
    (Though perhaps best not to mention that bit during Year 11 assembly.)


    Adding Without Subtracting

    Don’t get me wrong — curriculum reform is absolutely needed.
    It’s overdue, in fact.
    But there’s a limit to how much you can add before the whole thing collapses under its own weight.

    We can’t just keep cramming in AI, citizenship, personal finance, and mental health awareness without removing something else.
    That’s like being served your fifth helping of cake while the waiter insists it’s for your own good.

    Schools are already overstretched, underfunded, and losing staff faster than we can recruit them.
    So where, exactly, is the time going to come from to “embed” all these new areas?
    Are we supposed to do it between the Year 10 mocks and the cover lesson for someone off with flu?

    The guidance reads like a wish list written by people who’ve forgotten that teachers aren’t wizards.
    We can’t conjure extra hours in the day or extra funding out of thin air — though, if that was on the curriculum, I’d teach it in a heartbeat.


    Farewell to the EBacc (And Not a Tear Shed)

    Now, on to some good news: it looks like the EBacc — that long-standing thorn in the side of creative education — is finally on its way out.

    Let’s be honest, the EBacc has done more damage to creative arts education than any single policy in recent memory.
    It squeezed out music, art, drama, and design to make room for an academic core that left little space for creativity, expression, or the sort of learning that actually makes school joyful.

    So yes — I’m delighted to see signs of change.
    Because maybe now we can stop pretending that creativity is optional, or something to be squeezed in during tutor time.
    Maybe now we can rebuild the arts properly — with funding, recognition, and most importantly, time.

    Because every time the government decides to “update the framework,” we’re expected to reinvent our entire curriculum like we’re working on a reboot of The Great British Bake Off.
    Except there’s no tent, no applause, and definitely no budget for new ingredients.


    A Final Slice of Realism

    So yes, the reforms have promise — citizenship, AI, real-world knowledge — all great ideas in theory.
    But here’s the thing: before we start adding new flavours, we need to make room on the plate.

    Because right now, teachers and students alike are Bruce Bogtrotter — sitting at the table, staring at the cake, wondering how on earth we’re supposed to finish it all.
    And if the DfE keeps piling more on top without taking anything off, we’ll all end up sick, sticky, and muttering something about how “at least the sponge was moist.”

    The curriculum doesn’t need more.
    It needs less — better, deeper, simpler, more human.
    Otherwise, the only people learning anything will be the ones discovering just how far you can push a teacher before they snap and start marking in interpretive dance.

    Leave a comment

  • 🎨 SENDCOs: The Artists Forced to Sign Their Own Masterpieces

    🧑‍🎨 The Unsung Artists of Education

    There’s a certain type of hero in every school.
    Not the caped kind. Not even the “I’ve got a stapler that actually works” kind.

    I’m talking about the SENDCO.

    You know — the person who somehow juggles inclusion plans, legal paperwork, staff training, broken printers, and seventeen half-written emails that all begin, “Apologies for the delay in response…”

    SENDCOs are the creative geniuses of education.
    Except, instead of being allowed to paint or perform, they spend most of their time signing forms that prove they once considered painting or performing.

    Honestly, it’s like asking Banksy to fill out a risk assessment for the wall.
    Or expecting Ed Sheeran to spend all day signing merch instead of writing songs.

    That’s the reality for so many SENDCOs right now — mountains of paperwork, minimal time with the children they’re championing, and yet they still show up with humour, heart, and a questionable relationship with caffeine.


    🎧 Enter Ginny Bootman

    This week on the Make it Make SENDs podcast, I sat down with Ginny Bootman — SENDCO, former headteacher, author, and full-time advocate for empathy and relationships in education.

    Ginny doesn’t just talk about inclusion — she lives it. She’s got this incredible knack for cutting through the admin fog and reminding us what SEND is really about: people.

    In our conversation, we talked about:

    • The art of empathy in leadership
    • Time management (and the myth of “free periods”)
    • Staying human in a job that often feels superhuman

    …and of course, we laughed. A lot.


    ▶️ Listen to the Episode

    🎙️ Episode: Follow the Empathy Road – Educating for Inclusion with Ginny Bootman
    Listen now on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

    🖋️ To Every SENDCO Out There…

    Next time you’re elbow-deep in an EHCP and wondering if this is what you signed up for, remember:
    you are the artist.
    It’s just that your canvas happens to be a very large pile of paperwork.

    Keep fighting the good fight — one referral form, one phone call, one perfectly laminated visual timetable at a time.


    🙌 Thank You, Ginny

    Check out Ginny’s work:


    💬 Join the Conversation

    🌐 Join the Detention Diaries community:

    If you like what you hear, please follow, like and share the podcast so more teachers, parents and SEND champions can find us.

  • Sunday Night: The Fear, The Flatulence and The Festive Delusion

    By The Disgruntled Teacher

    It’s Sunday night.

    Your stomach has begun its weekly interpretive dance routine. The mysterious rock you swallowed sometime around 4pm has now settled just under your ribcage. Your bowels are whispering, “Monday is coming…”

    Tomorrow… school.

    But breathe. You’re not alone. And more importantly — you’ve survived every other Sunday before this one.

    To the Teacher Currently Wrapped Like a Human Sausage Roll

    It’s ok if you’re not ready.

    It’s ok if your lesson plan is currently just the word “powerpoint?” written in biro on a Tesco receipt.

    You’re not supposed to be perfect. You’re supposed to be functioning… ish.

    Because look at what you’ve already endured:

    • A CPD session where someone suggested “mindfulness corners” for Year 10 boys who punch walls for sport.
    • A printer that only works when Mercury is in retrograde and you’ve sacrificed three glue sticks to it.
    • Three new policies, all contradicting each other, all sent at 11pm with the subject line: URGENT – MUST READ.
    • A child who asked if Beethoven “was that blind bloke who invented pasta.”
    • “Learning walks” that involve senior leaders materialising like dementors the moment you press play on a video.
    • And of course, the fire alarm — triggered not by fire, but by someone burning toast in the staffroom again.

    Yet you’re somehow still teaching, still turning up, still pretending your eye isn’t twitching.

    The Joy of the Closed Classroom Door

    Once you’ve survived:

    • Leadership drive-bys
    • Policies that reproduce like rabbits
    • That colleague who starts every sentence with “Well at my old academy trust…”

    You can shut your classroom door.

    And for a little while, it’s just you, your kids, and a lesson that might actually be fun.

    Some will be up for it.

    One might even say, “This is sick, Miss/Sir.”

    Another will still forget their pen — but that’s just the natural order of things at this point.

    You’re Doing Alright, You Know

    Take it one day at a time.

    Smile when it’s possible.

    Internally scream when necessary.

    Reward yourself with biscuits like you’re on rations.

    Perfection isn’t required. Effort is. And you’re already doing that.

    And Don’t Forget…

    • It’s nearly Christmas.
    • Soon you’ll be teaching “Jingle Bells” on rusty glockenspiels and calling it curriculum.
    • You can legally pour Baileys in your staffroom coffee and call it “festive resilience”.
    • There will be mince pies, ABBA at the staff party, and at least one drunk PE teacher doing karaoke.
    • And yes — it’s socially acceptable to be slightly drunk on a Monday in December. It’s called “seasonal coping”.

    Feliz Navidad, educational warriors.

    You’ve got this.

  • Where Are Our Pitch Forks!?

    Are we asleep at the wheel?

    Right, colleagues. Gather round the metaphorical staffroom table. Because I’ve just read something that makes me wonder if we’ve all gone completely numb.

    The Department for Education has announced a recommended 6.5% pay increase over the next three years for teachers.

    Lovely headline. Almost warm and fuzzy.

    Except — and there’s always an except, isn’t there? — there’s no indication that it’s actually funded.

    So basically: “Here’s your raise. Please pay for it yourself.”

    Meanwhile, the economy staggers on. Let’s have a look at some figures, because numbers make fury sound intellectual.

    Britain, France and the Financial Farce

    The UK’s GDP in 2024 (that’s the total value of everything we produce, at current market prices) sits at about US $3.64 trillion.

    France is catching up fast, sitting at US $3.21 trillion.

    Now, you might think: “Ah well, at least we’re still ahead.”

    But here’s the funny bit — France has just had its credit rating downgraded because it can’t quite manage its public finances. Which, if countries were people, would be the equivalent of that mate who can’t be trusted with the kitty on a night out because they’ve already spent it on prosecco.

    And despite all that, when the French government tried to raise the retirement age by one year, they didn’t shrug and say “that’s unfortunate.”

    They set Paris on fire.

    Meanwhile, over here, our government can announce an underfunded pay deal, increase workloads, merge classes, and we’ll all quietly mutter “classic” before heading off to do lunchtime duty.

    So again I ask — where are our pitchforks?

    Inflation vs Pay: The Maths Bit (Don’t Worry, It’s Funny… Sort Of)

    Here’s how this supposed pay rise really plays out:

    Inflation in the UK is forecast to hover around 3.4% in 2025, and maybe 2.5% in 2026. So prices are still rising — not quite panic-buying-toilet-roll levels, but enough that your weekly shop feels like you’ve accidentally upgraded to Waitrose.

    Now, our shiny new 6.5% pay rise spread over three years equals roughly 2% a year.

    So while your payslip is creeping up like a nervous snail, your bills, mortgage, and food shop are running the London Marathon.

    It’s like getting a pay rise, but every time you celebrate, your energy company emails you with a little reminder that you’re still skint.

    Your “increased salary” basically means you can afford half a Freddo more each month.

    And that’s if you don’t print anything in colour.

    In other words: spending power down, sarcasm levels up.

    In Schools: Bigger Classes, Smaller Morale

    Meanwhile, the reality on the ground is about as uplifting as a wet playground duty.

    At my school:

    • Classes are bigger.
    • We’re merging groups when staff are off — saving money, yes, but also making it impossible to teach effectively.
    • Recruitment? Frozen.
    • Teachers? Leaving.

    We’re stretching what we’ve got so thin, it’s practically transparent.

    It’s sold as “making efficiencies” but what it really means is “you’ll be teaching 32 kids with three broken keyboards, no TA, and the promise of a 2% annual pay rise to keep you motivated.”

    Vive la (British) Revolution?

    So let’s recap.

    France riots if the government changes the retirement age by a single year.

    We… update our seating plans and moan to whoever’s waiting for the kettle to boil.

    France loses its credit rating; we lose our patience, then shrug, mark three more books, and eat a stale biscuit.

    We’re basically the calm cousin at the family wedding — quietly holding everyone’s coats while chaos unfolds, whispering “it’s fine” through gritted teeth.

    But maybe it’s time we stopped being so polite about it all.

    Because this 6.5% “rise” isn’t generosity — it’s a consolation prize in Monopoly money.

    It doesn’t fix recruitment. It doesn’t make classes smaller. It doesn’t stop teachers burning out or schools merging groups to “cover gaps.”

    So, once again — where are our pitchforks?

    Are they in the cupboard under the stairs, next to the unused glue guns and that box of defunct mini whiteboards?

    Or are we saving them for a rainy day… which, let’s face it, in Britain, is most days?

    Either way, we’d better dust them off soon.

    Because at this rate, we’ll need them just to fight over the last working stapler.

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  • The Eye of the Storm (or October Half Term)

    It’s half term. We’ve made it.

    Just about.

    Eight long weeks of teaching, marking, data drops, detentions, and detangling headphone wires from confiscated phones.

    We’ve crawled to the finish line, our souls held together by caffeine and passive aggression, and now… here we are.

    Half term.

    The calm between storms.

    The briefest of respites before the final push to Christmas — which, as every teacher knows, is less “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” and more “Saving Private Ryan: Festive Edition.”

    The Enemy on the Hill

    We’re midweek into the break now.

    The laundry’s done. The sleep debt is partially repaid.

    And yet… there’s a faint rumble in the distance.

    The enemy is regrouping.

    They’re on the hill.

    You can practically smell Year 9 from here.

    Somewhere out there, a 14-year-old is filming a TikTok with the caption “Miss is so moody” — and you can feel it in your bones.

    By Saturday, the anxiety will start creeping in. By Sunday, it’ll be full-blown Year-9-parade-ground flashbacks.

    And by Monday, we’ll all be back in the trenches, armed with whiteboard pens and misplaced optimism.

    Cold, Dark Nights and Fluorescent Lights

    This time of year is always strange.

    The nights close in, the corridors smell faintly of Lynx Africa and despair, and staffroom conversations start with:

    “Just gotta make it to Christmas.”

    That’s the phrase that gets you through: “Just gotta make it to Christmas.”

    Not joyfully — more like a soldier whispering a mantra before charging into no man’s land.

    And of course, cover is everywhere.

    Teachers dropping like flies, viruses spreading faster than Year 7 gossip, and everyone else doing triple lessons in rooms that haven’t been cleaned since 2003.

    You try not to resent the absent ones — you really do — but by Friday afternoon you’re half-convinced that “sickness bug” might actually be “early Christmas shopping and a latte.”

    The Kids Who Don’t Want Christmas

    And then there’s the other side.

    Because for every member of staff counting down the days until they can collapse on the sofa with a tin of Roses, there are kids who are dreading the holidays.

    You know the ones.

    The ones who come to school hungry, or cold, or quiet.

    The ones who act out because the structure of school is the only structure they’ve got.

    For them, Christmas isn’t magic — it’s messy.

    We joke about how chaotic the run-up is, how “the kids go feral in December,” but sometimes it’s because they can feel the uncertainty ahead.

    And that’s the bit that sticks with you, even when you’re moaning about your workload.

    Because you know — underneath the chaos — school is the safest place they’ve got.

    Saving Private Ryan: Christmas Term Edition

    If you’ve ever watched Saving Private Ryan, there’s that final scene where Matt Damon’s character is sat on the ground, clutching his rifle, surrounded by smoke, rubble, and chaos.

    He looks broken. Exhausted. Haunted.

    That’s every teacher in the last week of term.

    We’re all Matt Damon — clutching a pile of unmarked books, staring into the middle distance as a student asks if we can watch a film “because it’s nearly Christmas.”

    The building’s shaking. The photocopier’s jammed. The supply teacher’s gone missing.

    And somewhere in the distance, a child’s playing Jingle Bells on a glockenspiel. Badly.

    That’s the vibe.

    That’s December in a British school.

    But for now — in this tiny, quiet half term eye of the storm — we sit.

    We drink tea. We scroll. We pretend the email app doesn’t exist.

    Because we know what’s coming.

    The Christmas term.

    The last stand.

    The longest, loudest, glitteriest battle of them all.

    And when we finally emerge on the other side — bruised, broken, dusted in tinsel — we’ll raise a glass (or a Gregg’s festive bake) to each other and say,

    “We made it.”

    Then we’ll go to bed at 8:30 and not move until Boxing Day.

    enjoy it while it lasts.

    Get ready for the whistle because we’re about to go over the top!!!

  • I know… Let’s have another meeting about it!?

    CPD: The Endless Cycle of “Learning to Learn”

    I’ve lost count of how many CPD articles I’ve seen lately.
    Apparently, teachers must now learn how to learn, learn what to learn, and occasionally learn why we’re learning what we’re learning — all while learning to reflect on the learning we’ve just learned.

    Don’t get me wrong — professional development is important. But it feels like we’ve entered an age where CPD has become a kind of competitive sport.
    “Look at my bespoke pedagogical reflection framework!”
    “Oh, you still use the four part lesson? How quaint.”

    Half the time, I wonder if anyone in the private sector spends this much energy being told what they should be learning.


    Do They Have CPD in the Real World?

    Do people in the private sector sit in meeting rooms on a Friday afternoon, PowerPoint slide glowing, being told how to “embed a culture of metacognitive autonomy”?
    Do accountants have “Termly Reflection on Spreadsheet Efficacy”?
    Do plumbers get an INSET day on “Mastering Adaptive Pipework”?

    I’m not convinced they do.
    And maybe that’s because they’re trusted — trusted to identify what they need to develop, trusted to do their job, and trusted not to spend an entire afternoon being shown a video about “growth mindset in the workplace.”

    Meanwhile, teachers — highly educated professionals who somehow hold the nation’s future together with glue sticks and caffeine — are given two hours on “effective plenaries.”
    We’re constantly being told how to improve, even when what we really need is a nap, a biscuit, or a moment to think for ourselves.


    The Great Perk Divide

    It’s funny, though.
    Every time I scroll through social media, I see the private sector complaining about how much time off teachers get.

    “Oh, must be nice having six weeks off in summer!”
    Yes. It is nice. It’s also the only time we’re not running on adrenaline and caffeine.

    But then, on the other hand, I hear teachers moaning about the private sector’s perks.
    They get bonuses, lunches, gym memberships, and company-funded ski trips.
    Ski trips! We can barely get approval for a school trip to the local museum without filling out three risk assessments, a staff declaration form, and a blood oath.

    They get to drink wine at lunch on a Friday — we get to drink tepid coffee out of a “World’s Okayest Teacher” mug while marking Year 9 homework that looks like it was written by someone in a moving car.

    So who’s really winning here?


    Time or Treats?

    Maybe that’s the ultimate question: would you rather have more time off, or more perks while you’re there?

    Private sector: “We got a team-building day in the Alps!”
    Teachers: “We got a stapler that actually works.”

    Private sector: “My boss gave me a bottle of wine for hitting my targets!”
    Teachers: “My boss gave me an A3 laminated version of our school’s new vision statement.”

    The grass always looks greener — until you realise both lawns are full of weeds, meetings, and people pretending to understand spreadsheets.


    At the end of the day, teaching will always be its own strange ecosystem — one where we talk endlessly about learning, reflection, and growth, but rarely get the space to do any of it properly.

    Maybe that’s why CPD feels so tiring.
    It’s not that we don’t want to learn — it’s that we want to choose what matters to us instead of being told what the latest acronym demands.

    So yes, maybe the private sector does get better perks. But we get something far rarer: the joy of collapsing into the summer holidays like a zombie who’s just seen daylight.

    And honestly? You can keep your skiing trips.
    Just give me a working photocopier, a hot brew, and a week without someone saying “let’s unpick the learning.”

    That’s my kind of professional development.

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Detention Diaries

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